Just Breathe

I have decided that I need an outlet to my stresses, grief, and hardships as a single mother. Most of you who will be keeping up with this blog are also familiar with my totsites blog for Rykken. I will continue to update that blog as well, but that blog will only continue to be basic updates of Rykken and his progress. This blog is going to be opening a whole new world for me and my readers into my actual daily struggles and joys as a mother, and just my life in general. So enjoy....

Sometimes I believe you just have to cry over everything and nothing at the same time. That is the running trend in my life right now. I don't think a day has gone by in the past week that I haven't sat and cried at least once. Mostly due to holiday travel stress. I must say.....if you hate packing up to go on a trip in general...wait until you are packing for yourself and a baby for a 10 day trip, one of which you will be putting yourself and your little firecracker on an airplane to Michigan. I wake up in the morning and watch the weather channel while I get ready for work keeping an eye out for the travel updates...(because you know...whats happening today will certainly affect my travel on Friday....yeah right)...but I am down right neurotic about it. So for the past two days I have been watching the interviews of all the poor souls who have been stuck in an airport for three days and I break a sweat....everytime. Really....neuroticism is just an unhealthy part of my personality...but I can't help it. So I imagine every negative airport scenario that could and most certaintly will happen to Rykken and I on Friday. So upon my added stress of just packing to go out of town, I am running through survival lists of what I would need for each possible scenario if the weather is bad and I get stuck somewhere, particulary Chicago. Let me tell you, yes a taser gun has run through my mind...seriously...if I have to sleep on an airport floor there is nothing stopping someone from trying to steal my baby during my z's. Once again my neuroticism is powerfully overwhelming. So due to my stress, which Rykken can definetly sense, he has become a wreck as well. Yesterday I picked him up from daycare around 5:30pm and he cried from then until I dropped him off at daycare this morning. Not a continual cry....but enough that I was unable to do ANYTHING, like pack so I could leave town tonight after work, and enough that I spent most of the night...very much awake listening to his whimpers. I feel so bad for him, because he can't tell me whats wrong and I don't know how to make it better, but then I get so frustrated because I am not seeing a reason as to why he is constantly crying. It is moments like these that I need to breathe and walk away, but I can't, because it's me. I don't have someone else to hand him off to and say "you figure it out". So then my emotions escalate from frustration to anger...not at Rykken, but at my situation and the person who left me to deal with it on my own. It's moments like these that cause me to break down in sobs and emotions that I can't shake, because I can't comprehend how I ended up where I am. Very much by myself and very much with the tiniest thing that I ever decided to put my whole life into. People tell me it will get easier, but I know it won't. Once one challenge is overcome another one will be presented. My life is a constant rollercoaster and even though I know things aren't going to get easier, I hope and pray that I will begin to learn how to manage my emotions and how to manage my life in general as a single parent and just a parent. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time on my knees begging God to change my circumstance, because I feel like I can't do it on my own, when I know I need to embrace what I have been blessed with and remember that God wouldn't have given me this perfect little baby if he didn't know I could do it on my own, and I keep faith knowing that my time is coming. I swear to you, my chance at peace and happiness is coming.