I knew I would look back at the tears and laugh,

but I never knew I would look back at the laughter and cry. The one thing my mother told me was to not wish my pregnancy away, that he would be here before I knew it and then he would be grown before I could truly grasp his tender years and then the present would be the past. It's so exciting to see your child reach milestones, but at the same time in the back of my heart, I am wishing he wasn't reaching them yet. Just the little things he does, like when I laugh, he mimics me, and yesterday, a friend was leaving the house and looked at Rykken and waved and said bye - bye, he did the typical open and closed hand wave back to her. He now asks for things with that same open and closed hand gesture, he babbles beyond belief making clear and repetitious sounds. He sits by himself completely, puts himself to sleep, he no longer has an infant car seat, holds his own bottle, sleeps through the night, eats solids, scoots himself on his tummy until he reaches the place he wants to be....the list goes on and on. I can hardly remember the sleepless nights, the tears I cried daily because of uncertainty, exhaustion, pain from my surgery, the trials of breastfeeding. Just like the title says...I laugh now at how much I cried and how I thought the exhaustion, and the pain, and the fear was never going to end. I will tell you, the exhaustion from sleeplessness has passed, but a whole new level of exhaustion of taking care of a busy boy and working full time has taken over. The fear however has not ended, and I don't think it ever will. I had a friend ask me when Rykken was around 4 months old, if I was finally comfortable in my new role and not afraid of doing something wrong anymore. My answer to this question : I wake up everyday terrified, I am responisble for shaping someone into a functioning, happy, determined human being. What is there not to be afraid of? When I was pregnant I remember calling my mom crying and asking how I was suppose to know how to teach my baby to be a respectful, kind, loving person. She laughed at my hysteria, and told me it was simple. "Just be who you are." "You don't have to "teach" him anything. He will watch your every move and listen to your every word, if you are a respectful, kind, and loving person...he will be too." Thats what gives me peace, thats what makes me work harder to be a better person. I worry about Rykken being an only child of a single parent and how it will effect him later on in life, but I know that a child brought up by a single parent, with that parent fulfilling both roles as a mother and father can grow up just as happy, kind, and loving as the child with two parents. Rykken has many positive male role models in his life and will be a better man because of them. I fear that Rykken will doubt his faith and mine when he truly understands the circumstances under which he was born. I am passionate about raising him in the church, and hoping that he will understand that because of everything that has happened in the past year, I have drawn closer to God than I have in a very long time. I hope that he believes that everything happens for a reason and he was my miracle and blessing, no matter what the circumstance he came to me in. God has healed my heart, opened my eyes, and given me the greatest gift I could have ever received. I know that all the milestones and as the years pass and he grows from a baby to a boy to a man, I will always look back and cry over the joy he has brought me. I just hope that I can hold onto my baby for a bit longer.