It's my birthday and I'll hide if I want to...

The sun has risen on day 1 of the next 30 years of my life. I survived the stigmatized 30th birthday no worse for the wear. Birthdays for me always tend to be plagued with anxiety and a little bit of thankfulness that I have been blessed with another year on earth. I could care less if it was my 16th, 21st, or 30th, it's not the age that I am approaching that I get anxious about. I know you are gasping and thinking..."Then what? What do you get down about, you fabulous girl?" (Okay, maybe you aren't thinking the fabulous part, but humor me.)

I hate the possible attention of the reassurance that let's me know how glad people are that I continue to grace this world with my selfish presence. For instance, when I almost had a panic attack at a restaurant on Thursday night because the table RIGHT NEXT TO US had a birthday boy and they brought out a saddle, singing waiters, disco lights and a teenager dressed up in a mouse costume. Maybe not the lights or Chuck-E-Cheese but it felt like it in the moment that they were walking towards our table while I looked at my husband with the fear of a deer standing in the middle of a desolate road with a semi truck speeding toward it. Getting ready to stand up and shake my fist with bouts of "How dare you!" to my husband, I realized that indeed it was the large man with tattoos running up his arms that was gleefully climbing aboard that saddle and not me, and that my birthday was still approximately 6 hours away.

I try not to bring up my approaching birthday to bystanders to try to avoid over planning. (Once again, selfish that I would think someone would immediately jump on the surprise party bandwagon.) Even I had to be reminded several times this past week that my birthday was coming up. Otherwise it probably could have passed and then I would have been sitting around today and suddenly realized I missed my own birthday. (Could be the pregnancy brain or the blonde hair dye I dumped on my head for 11 years.)

So what is the healthy birthday balance you ask? I don't know...getting over being an emotional anxiety ridden little girl would be a huge step and realizing that everyone that is important will never forget my birthday and hasn't yet. My parent's will never get over the trauma I brought them as an infant, so I know they will never forget the day I was born and the moment they looked at each other as I was screaming my head off that didn't cease for the next 5 years thinking maybe Rosemary's Baby wasn't fiction.

This year I am thankful that no surprise parties have been thrown, that I wasn't forced to wear a tiara like on my 21st birthday (kill me now), and that I have come up with the idea to fish out pictures that she doesn't know I have, of my mom in the early 80's, pregnant with me, (might be my brother, but that's irrelevant) and will be posting them on her Facebook wall every January 31 since she posts pictures of me every year that remind me of the horrors in the form of braces, perms and big bangs that plagued me as a child.

I must say that I was showered with so many LOVELY and THOUGHTFUL gifts this year by the ones I love and I am so appreciative. Even the lap desk my son picked out for me (obviously he sees me as a permanent attachment to our couch with the computer in arms reach at all times), and the card from my little brother that was glued shut.

My birthday celebration was perfect with just the cake that my husband picked up at Alberston's made and the soprano and tenor voice from my son and husband that serenaded me as I blew out the candles that signified the last 30 years of my life.

Now it's time to embrace this first day of the rest of my life with bathing a stinky little dog who insists on sitting on me with all her nastiness, pulling my son away from dancing with his nose 2 inches from the TV and tackling the endless mounds of laundry that slowly over take our house every week. This is what living the life is all about...

Itty Bitty Baby Bean

Looking back to this post that I wrote in March of 2009, I never dreamt of the shoes I would be filling now and how our situation would change drastically over the short span of 5 years. Some of my posts were about trying to be grateful for the blessings Rykken and I had in our lives, but also begging God to change our circumstance. Here I am, sitting here writing this in late January of 2014 married to a wonderful man who has been a God send to Rykken and I and expecting a second baby. Two things that I never thought would happen for me, but two things that I wanted desperately even in those early months and first year that Rykken was born. I've re-read this post and the post from March '09 several times over the past two days and I have cried every time. Maybe its pregnancy hormones, maybe its just the fact that God really does listen and answers prayers. We are a healthy thriving family and I'm not doing it on my own anymore and I have a husband who constantly reminds me of that. Maybe just by the way he does all 15 loads of dirty laundry in the house without being asked or letting me take a nap on Sunday afternoons, it could be him even taking Rykken to the Monster Truck Rally for 5 hours on a Saturday evening so I have time for myself and my boy gets to do something he loves (and has been talking about non-stop for a few weeks). Even as a deployment looms and I will be without my husband for a substantial amount of time, I know I still won't be doing it on my own. I now have a forever cheerleader in my corner cheering me on through the bad days and the good and telling Rykken to "knock it off" even if it is over Skype. Alright, enough with the googly eyes and mushy gushy...

Baby #2 who I have lovingly nicknamed Bean. (Although I don't think my husband even knows that, it's just a name I usually say to myself...like for instance when I just get done eating a spicy bean burrito from The Bell and I say "sorry Bean, couldn't help myself, don't worry we will ALL pay for this later.") But I think it fits since early ultrasounds always make your baby look like an alien crossed with a bean. Since I grew up in the UFO capital of the world and refuse to talk about alien's (the jokes and questions get old..quick) or refer to my child as one...Bean it is. Maybe it is also because I have been fixated on bean burritos this pregnancy. I have had a love hate relationship with food since week 6 of my pregnancy. For the first trimester I didn't eat much and sometimes I still get that way, where nothing sounds good and I would be fine eating one saltine cracker and heading to bed at 6 p.m. But if I am in a mood like that, all it takes is one question. "What about a bean burrito?" "Well...okay...let's make it 5." Or there are also times when I just eat like I have been deprived of food for 18 months. Like the other night when I so lovingly made my family frozen chicken fries. (Did I mention I'm a gourmet cook?) I sat there and raved on those things with my mouth half full spraying out tiny pieces of whole grain breading (see I pay attention to our health) while telling my husband how those were "So good, probably the best frozen chicken nuggets, chicken fries, breaded patties...anything I have ever had!" My husband just looked at me blankly nibbling on his serving saying over and over again "honey, they aren't that good". I think at that point he could have started tossing them up for me to catch in my mouth mid air.

I am approaching 18 weeks on Sunday and Bean and I are starting to become more acquainted as I am starting to feel baby movements a couple of times a day. I don't remember when I started feeling movement with Rykken but I would assume it was around this same point. My belly is also starting to get nice and round and of course, just like Rykken I went from 0 - 90 miles an hour in the baby housing department. One day I was wearing my regular jeans and then the next I was standing in front of the clothing rack at Motherhood Maternity asking the sales associate, "Are you sure I should be a medium? I mean with my last I couldn't even fit in maternity pants because my booty and hips were too small..." Her coy smile gave me the answer and I was forced to retreat to the dressing room with 55 pairs of jeans to try on that I swore would not fit. I picked 4 pairs and they fit great right now...they won't for the long haul of this pregnancy though. One pair is already snug due to my ever expanding booty and hips! I feel like I need to talk to my booty in the mirror every morning when I catch a glimpse of that thing following me around. "How did you get so big booty?...Surely it's not the bean burritos."

I have also had a few other more unattractive symptoms this pregnancy that I didn't with Rykken. Besides the sickness, aversion to food and the expanding hips and booty...I am also no where near what you would call a glowing pregnant woman. I have acne, dry skin and dry hair, I'm cold all the time and my round ligaments feel like they are being ripped out of my body every time I yawn, burp, move or run a 5k. (Just kidding...I don't run...ever...in my life.) Sometimes I feel like I would be better suited under a rock wearing yoga pants and an Alf sweatshirt (shout out to my hubs). But I carry on and smile when people wince when they see my appearance. Just like I tell my husband daily "WHAT? I'm pregnant!." That may be the reason I have been so against documenting myself this pregnancy so far. I will get there. I even told my husband last week we needed to start the belly picture documentation...strictly for Bean to look at when she/he is older...not for public release! I will get much bigger and more cranky, but pregnancy is a beautiful blessing and I really do love being pregnant and I know I will miss this pregnancy just like I did after I had Rykken.

On the homefront, Bean is doing well...the 9 week ultrasound looked great. Heart rates have gone from 171 to 157 to 145 and I'm assuming will stick around the 145 mark for the rest of the pregnancy. I am measuring right on time so far! I will be having another c-section and I am seeing the same OB I saw with Rykken. This time around I will get to use a doula through Operation Stork Delivery (if you are military look it up!) and I am so excited for this experience and the advances the hospital I will deliver at are making to embrace family centered c-sections. We are finding out the gender because I am uptight and don't like surprises, but Rykken would like a brother so that he can have another player for his football team. I am thinking this baby is a girl based on how different this pregnancy has been from my last...but only time will tell.

So come on Baby Bean...WAY TO GROW!

3 Years...A Lifetime of Change

Well...once again, I hang my head in shame. I have decided that after 3 years of this blog sitting idle that I will attempt to resurrect it. I know I have previously had like 5 followers (because I'm unreliable when it comes to adding content to this beauty, or maybe I am just really that boring), but I really do plan on keeping up with this. (At least more than one post every 3 years.) So with that elephant out of the room let me begin by saying "holy cow", what a 3 years it's been. In particular the last year and half. It is my privilege to give you a running list of what has happened in our lives...drum roll please...

Rykken has celebrated his 3rd, 4th and 5th birthday...

Rykken started Pre-K this past August and talks about starting Kindergarten almost every day...

Rykken is growing like a weed, speaking like he is 45, so charismatic, loves football, is taking hip hop lessons, has played tee ball for the last 3 years and will begin coach pitch in March...

We have added a new family member in the form of a 7lb, brown Chorkie named Lucy. She is a mess and yes, in case you are wondering she is half Chihuahua and half Yorkie. Recipe for sass, destruction and the cutest face you will ever see. She brings our zoo to a total of 3 beloved animals. Our Border Collie Emmy who just turned 8, and our hermit crab round out that number. We also had a fish for a over a year that we lost over Christmas. RIP Puss and Boots...

I married my man this past July...

We found out in October that we are expecting a little baby Bean on our first wedding anniversary (July 6), but Bean will be here on June 30 if all goes by the plan! (No pictures of Bean yet, because the last picture we have was taken at 9 weeks and literally looks like a bean with a head on it...)

So to say the least, things have taken a 180 degree turn since 2010. We are now a family of 3, soon to be 4 and I think everyone is adjusting well. Husband is adjusting to my nagging and son is adjusting to having a male figure around. No one is adjusting to having the new dog who is over a year old still pooping on the kitchen floor.

We are also preparing for a quickly approaching deployment that will interfere with the last part of my pregnancy and the birth of our Bean, but we are keeping our heads held high and know that hopefully the deployment will pass quickly and we will be back to being a family before we realize that I got really fat and birthed another watermelon.

The last impending occasion that is on our horizon is that I will be turning 30 tomorrow. Dum, dum, dum...I'm ready. Bring it. "30, flirty and thriving". I just wish I looked like Jennifer Garner right now instead of a tired, haggard, belly sportin', momma. All in good time my friends...all in good time.

My Season of Thanks

Unbelievably...it's that time again. The time of year when you get to go home and spend time with family and friends and spend massive amounts of money on food, traveling, and toys. Not to mention the years you take off of your life while eating all the rich, delectable holiday food and treats. I for one...have my Christmas tree already set up and the stockings hung with care even though we are still a couple of days out from Thanksgiving. I just can't stand it! I get too excited to wait! I love the way the tree makes my house feel.

As excited as I get about making sure Rykken has a wonderful holiday season sometimes I tend to get stressed and overloaded with making sure I am keeping up with the Jones' when it comes to my celebration. This year I have decided to make a few changes and stop trying to grasp for what I feel Rykken wants, what we have to do and have, and focus more on what we can do and what other people need instead of us. Truth be told...Rykken and I need NOTHING. Did I mention Rykken has two....yes two rooms full of toys. So...if Santa doesn't bring him as many goodies as usual...he will not notice. That being said, I want to use this post to give a shout out of what I have to be thankful for and not focus so much on what I am wishing for with the holidays upon us.

I am most thankful that I have been able to rekindle my spiritual journey and relationship with Christ these past couple of years. God has continued to show his mercy on me
and my child and I will forever rejoice in him.

I am thankful that I have a healthy beautiful child. A child full of love and compassion. He has a purpose and a soul bigger than I could have ever imagined and I know he is destined for great things. I don't know how I was picked to be his mom, but I only hope I can be the person he needs me to be. I am beyond blessed that I get to wake up to that smiling face everyday.

I am thankful that I have a job that nurtures my faith daily and assures me that I am working towards a purpose greater than myself. ACU is in the business of changing lives and I am blessed to be a part of this community.

I am thankful that I have a family that loves Rykken as much as I do. He is a lucky little boy to have such a large extended family who spoil and love on him all the time. They have exceeded my expectations as grandparents, uncles and aunts, and I am so thankful to have them in our lives supporting us every step of the way.

I am thankful that I have been able to connect with a group of women from church. I have been attending The Journey UMC since June of 2008 and have recently been lucky enough to fall in with a group of young mothers with similar backgrounds as mine. We had no idea what we all had in common until the 2nd or 3rd week of us getting together. Our small group was truly formed by the Lord, we couldn't have planned it any better.We meet once a week and it is usually the highlight of my week. I am so blessed to have an outlet to talk about the trials of parenthood while studying and worshiping.

I am thankful that I have enough to be able to give to others. I wish I could do something for every hurting person, but I am beginning to realize that encouraging words, prayers, and even just a hug will give someone just what they need even if it is not a material object. Abilene has so many amazing ministry's...Noah Project, Love & Care Ministries, and Alliance for Women and Children just to name a few.

Most of all...I am just thankful to be here, to see my baby grow another day, to get to experience another breath and another sunrise. To know that we are taken care of and to pray for those that are not. So if Santa decides to skip our house this year, that's okay, that just means there was someone who needs that visit and encouragement a little bit more,
and we will rejoice with them and for them.